Why You React the Way You Do (and Why It’s Not Your Fault)

We’ve all had moments we wish we could take back — snapping at our kids, picking a fight with our partner, making an impulsive decision at work, or saying yes to something that didn’t feel right.

And then comes the shame spiral: Why did I do that? I know better.

Here’s the truth: this isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because of how your nervous system works.

What Happens in Your Brain Under Stress

When your system senses threat (even subtle or unconscious cues), your body shifts into survival mode.

Your prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain responsible for empathy, long-term thinking, perspective-taking, and self-reflection — goes offline.

Instead, older parts of your brain take over, activating the survival responses that once kept you safe:

• 🔥 Fight: snapping, arguing, slamming a door

• 🏃 Flight: overworking, distracting yourself, avoiding what feels hard

• ❄️ Freeze: shutting down, going numb, feeling stuck

• 🤝 Fawn: people-pleasing, going along to keep the peace, avoiding conflict

These Are Not Failures

These aren’t signs of weakness. They’re protective patterns your nervous system learned to help you survive.

The problem is, while they may have helped in the past, they can leave us feeling reactive, ashamed, or disconnected in the present.

The First Step Toward Change

Here’s the good news: while you can’t stop these reflexes from arising, you can learn to notice them sooner.

That noticing — called interoception (the ability to sense what’s happening inside your body) — is the first step toward responding with compassion and choice instead of shame or reactivity.

This is the doorway to healing: not controlling every reaction, but building the capacity to listen, pause, and respond differently.

A Question for You

Think back to a recent moment when you felt yourself “flip” into one of these states.

• What did you notice in your body?

• Which response showed up (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn)?

• And if you could return to that moment with more compassion, what might you say to yourself?

Want to Go Deeper?

This is exactly the kind of work we explore in my 12-week small-group course, Coming Home to Your Body.

It’s not a yoga class, and it’s not therapy. It’s a guided journey into nervous system regulation, embodied awareness, and rebuilding trust with yourself.

Over 12 weeks, you’ll practice noticing your body’s cues, meeting them with compassion, and slowly reshaping your relationship with yourself.

👉 You can learn more and join us here: go to the course page.

Healing Isn’t About Control — It’s About Relationship

For much of my life, I believed healing meant control.

I thought if I just got the perfect morning routine, meditated every day at 5am, kept up with yoga or workouts, and never missed a wellness habit, I’d finally feel steady inside.

And honestly? It looked pretty good from the outside. I appeared disciplined, committed, even “healthy.”

But inside, I was still anxious. Still bracing. Still carrying an undercurrent of disconnection.

What I’ve learned is this: control doesn’t equal healing.

Why We Turn to Control

It makes sense that so many of us try to control our way to wellness. We’ve been taught — directly or indirectly — that discipline is the path to wholeness. Work harder. Push through. Perfect yourself.

And the truth is, those parts of us that push for control aren’t “bad.” They’re protective. They’re doing the best they know how.

When life feels uncertain, controlling our bodies, schedules, or habits can create the illusion of safety. It’s a way of saying, “If I just keep this together, maybe I’ll be okay.”

The paradox is that control can make things look fine on the outside while leaving us dysregulated or disconnected on the inside.

What Actually Creates Safety

True safety doesn’t come from discipline. It comes from relationship.

Our nervous system doesn’t regulate because we force it into a rigid routine. It regulates when it feels heard, understood, and met with compassion.

This is where the science of trauma and nervous system healing has been so powerful for me. Researchers and practitioners like Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing), and Kristin Neff (Self-Compassion) all point to the same truth:

Healing doesn’t come from control. It comes from connection.

Our bodies regulate in environments of safety — not performance. Healing happens when we can listen to our body’s cues, respond with care, and build trust in the relationship we have with ourselves.

Moving From Control to Relationship

So what does this look like in practice?

• Instead of forcing yourself to wake up at 5am to meditate, ask: What kind of rest do I actually need this morning?

• Instead of powering through a workout because you “should,” ask: What kind of movement would feel good in my body today?

• Instead of overriding anxiety or anger to perform “calm,” ask: What’s my body trying to tell me right now?

This shift — from control to relationship — is where inner safety begins.

The Path Forward

For me, learning to build a relationship with my body has been the heart of healing. It hasn’t been about rigid routines or control. It’s been about listening, honoring, and showing up with compassion.

And the truth is: this is possible for you, too.

Your body isn’t a problem to fix.
It’s a partner. A guide. A friend.
It’s been with you your whole life, and it wants to support you.

The more we listen, the more that relationship deepens. And the more safety we begin to feel — not because we’re in control, but because we’re connected.

✨ If this resonates with you, this is the work we’ll be doing together in Coming Home to Your Body — a 12-week group experience to rebuild trust with your body, expand your window of tolerance, and learn how to meet yourself with compassion and safety. Learn more here.

Is Trauma Really “Held in the Body”?

You’ve probably heard the phrase: “Trauma lives in the body.”

Recently, someone told me they felt like their body was “holding onto trauma and just won’t let it go.” It’s a powerful way to put words to a real experience — but what does it actually mean?

Your Nervous System as Protector

From the time you were a tiny baby, your nervous system has been working around the clock to keep you safe. It doesn’t ask for your permission, and you don’t have to think about it. It simply does its job.

When it senses danger, your body knows how to respond. It can:

• Fight – mobilize strength to defend

• Flight – move you away from danger

• Freeze – shut down or become still

• Fawn – appease to keep yourself safe

Your heart rate changes. Muscles tighten. Hormones surge. Breath shifts. Posture adapts. All of this happens without conscious effort. It’s your body’s brilliant design for survival.

What Gets “Held” in the Body

Here’s the key: your nervous system learns. It remembers.

If something in the present moment reminds your body of something dangerous from the past, your nervous system may respond the same way it did back then — even if you are safe now.

So is trauma literally stored in your muscles? Not quite. Trauma isn’t a substance that gets stuck inside you. What’s “held” is a pattern — your body’s memory of protection.

Muscles can feel tense or braced, not because trauma is lodged there, but because your nervous system has trained them to stay ready just in case.

When people say “trauma lives in the body,” this is what they’re pointing to: the way your body carries forward adaptive survival responses, even long after the threat has passed.

Why Healing Happens in Both Mind and Body

This is why healing isn’t only about talking through your story. Yes, it’s deeply valuable to understand and process what’s happened with a therapist. But it’s equally important to listen to the story your body is telling you.

Your body carries signals — subtle shifts in breath, posture, sensation, and energy — that reveal how safe it feels. Learning to notice and respond to those signals with compassion is part of teaching your nervous system: “This moment is different. I don’t have to brace the same way anymore.”

Many people find that body-based work is a natural complement to therapy. While therapy supports you in making meaning, this kind of practice helps you increase your capacity, your “window of tolerance,” and your ability to hold your own experience without overwhelm.

An Invitation: Coming Home to Your Body

This is the heart of the course I teach, Coming Home to Your Body.

Over twelve weeks, we move slowly and gently, at your own pace, to:

• Notice and understand the signals your body is giving you

• Expand your window of tolerance

• Build tools for meeting yourself with compassion and safety

• Offer your nervous system a grounded, loving presence — perhaps for the first time

This isn’t talk therapy. We won’t be sharing trauma histories. Instead, we’ll be practicing how to listen to the body — and how to lovingly speak back.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to welcome you in.

👉 Learn more about Coming Home to Your Body here

Nervous System Basics: What You Were Never Taught in School

Let’s start with this:
Your nervous system is not a problem. It’s a protector.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, shut down, anxious for no clear reason, or stuck in patterns you wish you could change but can’t seem to—your nervous system likely holds a big piece of the puzzle.

So what is the nervous system, really?

Your nervous system is your body’s communication highway. It takes in information from your environment (and your inner world), processes it, and helps you respond. It’s always working—below the surface—guiding how you feel, think, move, relate, and even how you heal.

At a very basic level, it’s what helps you survive.

The part of your nervous system I focus on most in my work is the autonomic nervous system. This is the part that controls things you don’t have to think about: your heartbeat, digestion, breath, stress response.

It has two main branches you might’ve heard of:

• Sympathetic – responsible for activation. Think: fight or flight.

• Parasympathetic – responsible for calming and restoring. Think: rest and digest.

But that’s only the beginning. Thanks to the work of Dr. Stephen Porges and others, we now understand that it’s more nuanced than just “on” or “off.” The Polyvagal Theory shows us that our nervous systems shift between various states depending on how safe or supported we feel. These states include:

• Mobilization (Fight or Flight) – when you feel anxious, agitated, or ready to act.

• Shutdown (Freeze or Collapse) – when things feel too much, and you go numb or disconnected.

• Safety & Connection (Regulation) – when you feel grounded, present, open.

Why does this matter?

Because your body’s responses aren’t random—they’re adaptive. They’re shaped by your history, your environment, your culture, and your relationships. And most of us weren’t taught how to work with our nervous systems.

We were taught to “calm down,” “get over it,” “just breathe,” or “power through.”

But regulation doesn’t happen through force.

It happens through listening.

It happens when we begin to notice what’s going on inside us (this is called interoception) and respond with care instead of judgment.

The good news?

You can build a relationship with your nervous system.
You can learn the language of your body.
You can create new patterns—ones based not in survival, but in safety, capacity, and choice.

This is the heart of the work I do—guiding people back into connection with themselves. Through breath, gentle movement, nervous system education, and embodied tools, we practice returning to ourselves.

Not for perfection.
Not to become someone different.
But to come home.

Want to explore this more?

Join me for the upcoming Welcome Home workshop—a gentle evening of reconnection and nervous system support. Learn more →

And if you’re ready for deeper support, my 12-week course Coming Home to Your Body begins this fall. We’d love to have you.

What Is Interoception? (And Why It Matters in Healing)

For a long time, I lived disconnected from my body.
I could tell you what I thought, but not always what I felt.
Not physically. Not emotionally. Not energetically.

Like many of us, I learned to push through discomfort. To perform. To override my body’s cues in order to meet expectations—both real and imagined.

One of the most powerful parts of my healing journey has been learning to come back to my internal world. To notice the whispers before they become screams. To understand the language of my body—not just when something’s wrong, but all the time.

This process of sensing what’s happening inside your body has a name: interoception.

In this short video, I cover:

• What interoception is (and how it’s different from other forms of awareness)

• Why so many of us lose connection with it—especially after trauma, burnout, or stress

• How rebuilding interoception supports nervous system healing, self-trust, and emotional clarity

• A simple practice you can try right now to start tuning back in

✨ Watch the video here:

Want to take this work deeper?

Building interoception is a practice.

It doesn’t just happen overnight.

Considering that patterns of disconnection may have developed over a lifetime, it makes sense that it would take time to rebuild connection.

In our Coming Home to Your Body course, we spend 12 weeks slowly, gently, and gradually learning to listen to the language of our bodies. This is small group. Trauma-informed. And highly intentional. Click here to learn more.

What trauma really is. (Hint: it doesn’t have to be something big)

I’ve noticed that sometimes we minimize our experiences because we hear about all of the big traumas.

You might think:

“I don’t think I’ve had trauma.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Maybe my struggles aren’t valid.”

If that’s you, I want to say this clearly:

You don’t need a “big trauma” to carry the imprint of overwhelm in your body.

Trauma isn’t just the worst thing that ever happened to you.
It can be the absence of what you needed—safety, attunement, permission to be fully yourself.

You may have had a loving family.
You may have had a “good life.”

And still, your nervous system may have adapted in ways that now show up as:

– Always needing to hold it all together
– Struggling to rest, even when you’re tired
– Overgiving, then resenting it
– Feeling anxious for “no reason”
– Staying busy to avoid stillness
– Feeling numb, disconnected, or “off”

These aren’t flaws.
They’re protective patterns.
Your body’s way of keeping you safe when something felt too much, too soon, or for too long.

The good news?
These patterns can shift.

Not through force.
But through gentle relationship with yourself.
With care. With presence. With support.

That’s what Coming Home to Your Body is here for. If this work is calling you, I’d be honored

The Body Keeps the Score… But It Can Also Rewrite the Story

If you've ever found yourself saying...

• “I know I’m safe, but my body still feels on edge.”

• “I’m so tired, but I can’t seem to rest.”

• “I feel numb, disconnected—like I’m going through the motions.”

• “I go from zero to 100 and can’t always explain why.”

…you’re not broken. Your nervous system is just doing its job.

Your Nervous System Isn’t a Problem. It’s a Protector.

The nervous system is your body’s built-in surveillance system. Its job is to scan your environment, detect danger, and help you respond—whether that’s by fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning.

This process happens automatically, without your conscious input. That’s why even when you know everything is fine, your body might still be on high alert.

It’s not a flaw. It’s an adaptation. One that probably started a long time ago.

Regulation: A Return to Safety

When people talk about nervous system regulation, they’re talking about your body’s ability to move flexibly between states of activation and rest.

A regulated nervous system doesn’t mean you’re always calm. It means you can meet the moment, respond to life, and return to a sense of steadiness when the storm passes.

And if that feels far away for you right now, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong—it’s because you haven’t had the support, tools, or space to learn a different way.

Why This Matters

Many of us grew up learning to override our bodies.

We learned to be productive instead of present.
To stay busy instead of feel.
To ignore the quiet signals of overwhelm or pain.

Over time, we became strangers to ourselves.

Nervous system regulation is the process of coming home again.
It’s not about fixing or forcing—it’s about building trust with your body.

Bit by bit, you learn:
“I can feel this.”
“I can move through this.”
“I’m allowed to rest.”
“I don’t have to stay in survival.”

How to Begin

You don’t have to know all the science or have a perfect meditation practice to start healing.

All you need is a willingness to listen.

Try this right now:

• Pause.

• Notice your breath.

• Feel your feet on the floor.

• Name one sensation in your body.

That’s regulation. That’s a beginning.

If you’re looking for a supportive space to reconnect with your body, ease out of survival mode, and explore what regulation can look like for you, I’d love to invite you into Coming Home to Your Body.

This 12-week, small-group course blends nervous system education, breath, movement, and somatic tools for real-life healing.

You don’t have to do this alone.

You just have to begin.

Why We Disconnect from Our Bodies—And How We Begin to Come Home

I’ve spent a lot of my life disconnected from my body.
And I’m not alone.

Most of us are living from the neck up—functioning, achieving, and caretaking, but out of touch with what’s happening inside.
There are two major reasons this happens:

1. Culture.
We live in a world that glorifies intellect over intuition, productivity over presence.
We’re taught to override our needs, suppress our instincts, and treat our bodies like projects to fix or problems to solve.
There’s a kind of ungroundedness in how we live—like we’ve forgotten we are animals with animal bodies, wired for survival through the brilliant design of our nervous system.

2. Trauma.
When life gets overwhelming—and we don’t have the support we need to process it—our body steps in to protect us.
We may disconnect, numb out, or go into survival mode.
These responses are wise. They helped us make it through. But over time, if we stay stuck there, it can feel like we’re no longer truly living.

Disconnection might look like:

• Feeling foggy or far away from your life

• Not knowing what you feel or need

• Racing thoughts or constant inner pressure

• Chronic anxiety, tension, or exhaustion

• Overworking, overgiving, overthinking

• Scrolling, numbing, checking out

And here’s the truth that many of us were never taught:
These aren’t flaws. They’re adaptations.
They’re your body’s way of keeping you safe when it didn’t feel safe to be fully present.

But healing is possible.
And it starts by coming home to your body.

That doesn’t mean forcing anything. It means learning to listen—to approach your inner experience with curiosity, not criticism.

It means building the capacity to stay present, even when what you’re feeling is hard.

And it means doing that in a space where you feel supported, safe enough, and not alone.

That’s exactly why I created Coming Home to Your Body.

It’s a 12-week small-group course that blends nervous system education, movement, breathwork, and somatic practices—so you can reconnect with yourself in a real and lasting way.

This work isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about remembering you’re already whole—and learning how to live like that’s true.

If any of this resonates, I’d love for you to explore what’s possible here.

👉 Learn more about the course here.