Why You React the Way You Do (and Why It’s Not Your Fault)

We’ve all had moments we wish we could take back — snapping at our kids, picking a fight with our partner, making an impulsive decision at work, or saying yes to something that didn’t feel right.

And then comes the shame spiral: Why did I do that? I know better.

Here’s the truth: this isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because of how your nervous system works.

What Happens in Your Brain Under Stress

When your system senses threat (even subtle or unconscious cues), your body shifts into survival mode.

Your prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain responsible for empathy, long-term thinking, perspective-taking, and self-reflection — goes offline.

Instead, older parts of your brain take over, activating the survival responses that once kept you safe:

• 🔥 Fight: snapping, arguing, slamming a door

• 🏃 Flight: overworking, distracting yourself, avoiding what feels hard

• ❄️ Freeze: shutting down, going numb, feeling stuck

• 🤝 Fawn: people-pleasing, going along to keep the peace, avoiding conflict

These Are Not Failures

These aren’t signs of weakness. They’re protective patterns your nervous system learned to help you survive.

The problem is, while they may have helped in the past, they can leave us feeling reactive, ashamed, or disconnected in the present.

The First Step Toward Change

Here’s the good news: while you can’t stop these reflexes from arising, you can learn to notice them sooner.

That noticing — called interoception (the ability to sense what’s happening inside your body) — is the first step toward responding with compassion and choice instead of shame or reactivity.

This is the doorway to healing: not controlling every reaction, but building the capacity to listen, pause, and respond differently.

A Question for You

Think back to a recent moment when you felt yourself “flip” into one of these states.

• What did you notice in your body?

• Which response showed up (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn)?

• And if you could return to that moment with more compassion, what might you say to yourself?

Want to Go Deeper?

This is exactly the kind of work we explore in my 12-week small-group course, Coming Home to Your Body.

It’s not a yoga class, and it’s not therapy. It’s a guided journey into nervous system regulation, embodied awareness, and rebuilding trust with yourself.

Over 12 weeks, you’ll practice noticing your body’s cues, meeting them with compassion, and slowly reshaping your relationship with yourself.

👉 You can learn more and join us here: go to the course page.