Healing Isn’t About Control — It’s About Relationship
For much of my life, I believed healing meant control.
I thought if I just got the perfect morning routine, meditated every day at 5am, kept up with yoga or workouts, and never missed a wellness habit, I’d finally feel steady inside.
And honestly? It looked pretty good from the outside. I appeared disciplined, committed, even “healthy.”
But inside, I was still anxious. Still bracing. Still carrying an undercurrent of disconnection.
What I’ve learned is this: control doesn’t equal healing.
Why We Turn to Control
It makes sense that so many of us try to control our way to wellness. We’ve been taught — directly or indirectly — that discipline is the path to wholeness. Work harder. Push through. Perfect yourself.
And the truth is, those parts of us that push for control aren’t “bad.” They’re protective. They’re doing the best they know how.
When life feels uncertain, controlling our bodies, schedules, or habits can create the illusion of safety. It’s a way of saying, “If I just keep this together, maybe I’ll be okay.”
The paradox is that control can make things look fine on the outside while leaving us dysregulated or disconnected on the inside.
What Actually Creates Safety
True safety doesn’t come from discipline. It comes from relationship.
Our nervous system doesn’t regulate because we force it into a rigid routine. It regulates when it feels heard, understood, and met with compassion.
This is where the science of trauma and nervous system healing has been so powerful for me. Researchers and practitioners like Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing), and Kristin Neff (Self-Compassion) all point to the same truth:
Healing doesn’t come from control. It comes from connection.
Our bodies regulate in environments of safety — not performance. Healing happens when we can listen to our body’s cues, respond with care, and build trust in the relationship we have with ourselves.
Moving From Control to Relationship
So what does this look like in practice?
Instead of forcing yourself to wake up at 5am to meditate, ask: What kind of rest do I actually need this morning?
Instead of powering through a workout because you “should,” ask: What kind of movement would feel good in my body today?
Instead of overriding anxiety or anger to perform “calm,” ask: What’s my body trying to tell me right now?
This shift — from control to relationship — is where inner safety begins.
The Path Forward
For me, learning to build a relationship with my body has been the heart of healing. It hasn’t been about rigid routines or control. It’s been about listening, honoring, and showing up with compassion.
And the truth is: this is possible for you, too.
Your body isn’t a problem to fix.
It’s a partner. A guide. A friend.
It’s been with you your whole life, and it wants to support you.
The more we listen, the more that relationship deepens. And the more safety we begin to feel — not because we’re in control, but because we’re connected.
✨ If this resonates with you, this is the work we’ll be doing together in Coming Home to Your Body — a 12-week group experience to rebuild trust with your body, expand your window of tolerance, and learn how to meet yourself with compassion and safety. Learn more here.